The hall was crowded with five-year-old boys and girls, all jabbering excitedly about the pending field trip to the Butterfly Pavilion. I normally don't take my son to school in the morning, so was enjoying watching him relate to his classmates. "Where's your car seat?" he asked one girl. The kids had all brought their car seats for the field trip. The question seemed innocent enough to me, since she was the only child not toting a seat with her. Her answer surprised me. The content wasn't disturbing; rather it was the delivery. "First of all, I don't use a car seat. I have a booster seat. And anyway, it's already in the classroom!" Her unspoken "So there, stupid!" was evident.
My little cub seemed to take it well by turning away with a non-verbal "whatever," but Mother Bear (me) had to restrain herself from attacking the little brat. What ever happened to speaking to people with respect? Did my son have to deal with this type of talk every day?
After venting with several friends, I found out the experience wasn't isolated. School children struggle with rude, unkind, and plain old mean talk from the classmates more often than we parents would like to believe. If a child doesn't have the resources to handle such behavior, they may start to model the same conduct, rather than shun it. The result: even more kids who are rude, unkind, or plain old mean. And then more kids, and more kids, and more kids...
A young child may start by making fun of a classmate's clothing, or bragging that "my daddy is better than your daddy." It seems innocent enough, but these may be the same children who grow up to be frightening bullies. How does it start? What makes a child behave in such a way?
1. They are mirroring someone else's behavior. Maybe the child has an older brother or sister who picks on them. Or it is possible that a parent or other adult caregiver speaks cruelly. Children are like sponges and learn from the people close to them. If those role models behave badly, you can expect the child will, too.
2. They may be having difficulties assimilating at school, and use their behavior as a shield from their fear and anxiety.
3. They may be jealous of something your child has, and don't know how to express it. There is one boy who constantly makes fun of my son's shoes. There is nothing wrong with the shoes, but it doesn't seem to stop this boy. It really bothered my son at first, because these boys are otherwise great friends. Finally, I asked if maybe this boy made fun of the shoes because he wants them himself. "Maybe," said my son, "they are really fast shoes..."
There's a saying that counsels "If you want to change the world, start by changing one person." While it's tempting to try and change the people behaving badly toward our children, it is easier to work on our own kids. What can we do to help our children deal with these bully wannabes and to prevent them from becoming one themselves?
1. Get as much information as you can without making it seem like a huge deal. Children feed on our emotions, and can sense what we want to hear. This causes them to clam up if they don't think we'll like what they have to say. Let your kids know you are available to talk, without putting pressure on them. Eventually, they will talk. My son never tells me anything until he is in the bathtub and I'm in the next room. Something about the bath bubbles causes him to open up completely, and we have some of our best conversations yelling at each other between rooms.
2. Try role playing with your child. Act out several ways of dealing with the situation. First, have your child play the mean friend, and respond in an appropriate manner. Then, reverse the roles and see how they do.
3. Build up your child's confidence whenever you can. The more confident and assured a boy or girl is in his or her own worth, the less important the opinions of other children will be to them. Praise them often and give them genuine reasons for the praise. Telling a child you think they are great is wonderful, but it is even more effective if you can give specific reasons why.
4. Instill early in your child an awareness of other people's feelings. While it is hard to do, try to get your son or daughter to understand what may be causing the behavior of the other child. Could they be unhappy? Sad? Do they have friends? If your child can identify specific reasons for they behavior they may come to realize that it isn't a direct attack on them. And they may even be able to help the other little boy or girl. Most important make sure your child knows it is not okay to fight fire with fire.
It is a fact of life that kids will get their feelings hurt by the actions of other children. We Mama Bears want to make it all better, but sometimes we can't. The best we can do is make sure we prepare our little cubs to deal with the situation themselves. By doing our best to raise confident, self reliant, kind children, we are doing our part in making the world a better place. And maybe, someday, to ban the bullies for good.
