Re-Married With Children: An interview with Barbara LeBey By Sue Dickinson
More than half of Americans today have been, are, or will be part of a blended family during their lifetime. The responsibilities can be downright scary, especially for the moms involved – step moms and original moms alike. How can a woman fit into her new role with grace and compassion – and keep her sanity when dealing with confused and often irrational spouses, children, step-children, grandparents, ex-spouses, step parents and more?
Recently, I’ve had the pleasure of chatting with Barbara LeBey, the author of “Re-Married With Children: Ten Secrets for Successfully Blending and Extending Your Family.” When it comes to all the questions and concerns over successfully blending a family…Barbara has been there! Not only has she seen what works and what doesn’t work in her practice as a family and conflict resolution lawyer and judge, but she has experienced it first hand over the years in her own blended family. Her new book offers hope and advice to parents and children alike for avoiding the pitfalls that can and will occur in a blended family in order to find the joy.
Q: What are some of the common myths people have about blended families?
It’s a common myth that blended families are like any other family. The reality is that blended families are so much more complex than first marriage families. The increased number of relationships accounts for the complexity—blood relations, step-relations, in-law relations, ex-spouses and ex-in-laws. When children and prior financial commitments are involved, the relationships and obligations must be thoroughly discussed.
It’s a myth to think you can put the past behind you. When there are children from prior marriages, the ex-spouse and former in-laws are going to be involved in your lives. They are the ghosts of the past. Who they are and how you deal with them will determine whether they will haunt your house.
“Love conquers all” is another myth. The couple can love each other very much and still face a myriad of problems, problems that can be so difficult to handle that the marriage fails. Which brings me right back to the two biggest hurdles. What are they? 1.) the children you both love, and, 2.) the financial hardship that often occurs because of child support and alimony obligations to a former family.
Q: What are some of the factors to be aware of when dealing with the children in blended families? Does age matter? What if a parent finds they are feeling favortism for one child over another?
Adolescent children present the greatest challenge, as they do for original families, except that children of these ages, whether male or female, are most resistant to authority, and particularly so from a new stepparent. If the biological parents are not at war due to an acrimonious divorce, the children’s adjustment will be better, particularly with very young children who are not caught up in the adult friction.
In dealing with the children, his, hers, and theirs, it is crucial to the success of the new family that the children be treated fairly. Showing bias is a sure recipe for disaster. What children want and deserve is an environment that provides structure, comfort, and a feeling of security. This formula works for children in any family configuration.
It’s natural for a parent to feel preference for his or her own child, but it’s absolutely necessary to not show preference. Children are extremely sensitive to unfairness, and they are bound to rebel if they don’t believe they are getting a fair shake.
Q: So what can a couple do to make the blended family succeed?
It’s best to start planning before tying the knot. First and foremost, get to know the person you are intending to marry. Before the marriage, your first obligation is to your children. You need to know who this person is who’s going to be an important part of your children’s lives. Getting to know that person means getting to know his or her former family as much as possible, because they are also a part of your life and your children’s lives. If you haven’t done your homework before the marriage, it’s still important to know as much as you can early in the marriage. Remarried with Children provides an important tool for couples who are remarrying or have already married. The checklist on pages 113-115 of the book provides all the right questions that need to be asked and answered by the couple.
The stepmother faces the biggest challenge. In our society, women still have the major responsibility for the day-to-day care of the house and children. If the stepmother can work with the biological mother, everyone benefits, especially the children. In most instances, it will be up to the stepmother to make the first move. She must assure the mother that she has no intention of taking her place, but wants to be another caring adult for the children. Telling her you need her help in handling the children will go a long way toward that assurance. The whole family will benefit from the wisdom and teamwork of the mother and stepmother handling what could otherwise be a chaotic and troublesome situation.
Q: What tips can you offer for successfully blending a family?
Though there are so many good tips in my book, I believe the first secret to a successfully blended family is the most important tip: “Put the marriage first.” By this I mean focus on the fundamental unit of the new blended family—your marriage—and make sure to give it the time and attention it deserves. Some people will think this sounds selfish. It’s anything but. The children have already experienced the trauma of a divorce or the death of a natural parent. The last thing they need is another trauma from yet another failed marriage. The couple has to make sure they have the time to be alone to get to know each other as husband and wife. This is where extended family can be so helpful. For example on the weekend when there will be no visiting children, if there are other children in the home, send them to grandparents or aunts and uncles for those weekends. Be with each other whenever you can. And make sure that all the children know that this new husband or wife is very important to you and must be treated respectfully. It’s a good subject for a family discussion with all the children present. And that’s a perfect occasion to discuss the rules of the road, so to speak.
Here are some basic guidelines for building a good relationship with manageable discipline in a loving home:
* Consistent rules are the best rules.
* Rules a child helped formulate will be easier to follow.
* Rules with related rewards and consequences are the only enforceable rules.
* Children will do anything—even behave—to get what they want.
* The fewer rules the better.
About Barbara LeBey: Barbara LeBey is a lawyer, a former judge, and a wife, mother and grandmother in a blended, extended family. Her first book, Family Estrangements, was featured in People Magazine, as well as on “The Today Show” and “Good Morning America.” She lives with her husband in Atlanta, Georgia. Her book "Remarried With Children: Ten Tips for Successfully Blending Your Family" can be purchased wherever books are sold.
Read a review of Barbara’s new book “Remarried With Children: Ten Secrets for Successfully Blending and Extending Your Family”.
