Moms Vs. Moms
Unlimited Moms Respond
11/11/03
Hi, Unlimited Moms. Hope you are all doing well and have had a great week. I'm a little confused and disappointed this evening. You see, a friend of mine taped a Dr. Phil show that aired recently called Moms vs. Moms. You guessed it, it was the old, tired stay-at-home vs working mom junk. Once again, the only purpose was to start an argument, Dr. Phil even predicted a cat fight and hissed several times during the show. It was extremely tacky. The few times an intelligent woman opened her mouth to speak, they cut her off and went to commercial. I know it's November sweeps, but come on. Why does the media have to perpetuate this stuff? I expected more from Dr. Phil, I've always enjoyed his shows when I get a chance to see them.
But, even worse is that the moms themselves shot themselves in the foot throughout the whole show. These women, stay-at-home and working alike - who I am sure are wonderfully loving, supportive and caring to their family and children - said the most hateful and biased things about the others. I know their tunnel vision opinions were one reason they were asked to be on the show, but their total lack of acknowledgment that there are different ways to skin a cat demonstrated low intelligence, not sincerity in my mind.
What I want to know is why do women insist on perpetuating this ridiculous feud? It does nothing but give us a bad name and men a reason to snicker and joke about us. We women are the most loyal, understanding, true friends there can be, and yet can have such blinders.
When will this worn out topic that has persisted since the 60s be put to rest and women, stay-at-home and working alike agree that it's not what we choose to do with our lives, but how we choose to approach our lives once we've made a choice? We can be bitter, mean and spiteful, or we can be proud, confident, caring and loving. We can live in a way that society, our families or the media tell us to live, or we can be constantly striving to grow and develop to the point that we can decide for ourselves and can allow other people to make decisions that may different from ours without condemning them for it. I pray for the day the latter is the norm, not the former, and that women can look at another and not see nasty mean generalizations, but rather a fellow sister with the same fears, worries, concerns and joys. That will be a good day!
Okay, sorry for the venting. As you can see, it's a bit of a sore spot for me. I'd love to know how any others of you feel. Do you think the women on the show are representative of moms everywhere? Or are they just a vocal minority? Have you encountered other moms with tunnel vision opinions? How have you handled it? What do you think needs to be done to change the situation? Why not drop me a line and let me know? (sue@unlimitedmom.com). In fact, I'm so interested in your opinion that we'll have a drawing for a book or two from the people who respond, and will share your views (anonymously, of course) in a future newsletter.
11/18/03:
MOM VS. MOM
Your Feedback
Okay, so last week I got a little emotional in my ramblings, secretly worried that the moms featured on Dr. Phil's recent show "Moms Vs. Moms" were typical. From the feedback that I received, it appears that, for the most part, my fears can be put to rest. Unlimited Moms, at the least, seem to have their heads on their shoulders and a grain of understanding in their hearts. Not to say, however, that everyone who responded has come through the battle unscathed, but the good news is that the desire to put it to rest is there. I am reminded of Rocky Balboa in Rocky V (okay, I have an eclectic taste in movies), just after beating the Russian Ivan Drago in his home country. The hostile crowd had witnessed Rocky's heart and desire to win fairly despite being the vast underdog. As he stands there in victory amidst the cheers of the previously booing crowd, he delivers the words "If I can change, and you can change, maybe everyone can change!" Let that be our battle cry as well. Here, in their own words, are several Unlimited Mom's thoughts on the subject (okay, a little long, but you will agree they read better in their entirety and are worthy of the extra space):
I couldn't agree with you more about that show. It was worthy of Jerry Springer, not Dr. Phil. However, I was really disappointed in the women who participated and the fact that women are still fighting each other over this issue. When will they stop being defensive about what they are doing? I would like to eliminate from our vocabulary the phrases "working mom" and "stay at home mom." Every time I hear one or the other, I want to scream. All "Moms" work!! The women on both sides of the panel were Mothers. They should have been considering all the things they had in common rather than shouting and hurling insults at each other. Whether, in addition to being a Mom, they worked outside the home or not is immaterial. That is a choice each one decided for herself and that is their right and privilege. Each also has the right to be respected for her decision. They should be thankful that they live in these times and this country where they are privileged to be able to make that choice. A good Mother is a woman who is happy and content in her own skin. A good Mother is a woman who does not need to criticize or tear down someone else for their choice in order to make herself appear or feel better. A good Mother is a woman who respects herself for her choice and doesn't look down on another woman for her choice. A good Mother is a woman who is confident about her choices and proud of what she is doing; she is a woman who uses her intelligence to expand her horizons and continue to learn; she is a woman who loves her children, nurtures them, supports and encourages them, instills confidence in them and provides a safe environment for them to grow. A good Mother is one who raises happy, content children with good principles and morals, and enables them to face the world with confidence. Is there only one way for a woman to be a good Mother? Is there only one road to get from here to there? You know that is not true. What works for one, does not work for everyone. I don't care what the statistics show. One can interpret the statistics to prove whatever point you want to prove. Moms unite. Eliminate the labels. Focus on what being a Mother is really all about and support and respect each other for the choices you each made in how to raise your children to be a credit to you and society.
J
I refused to watch the show since I get enough guilt about working as it is. I gave birth to my first child 2 and a half months ago and have been working out of sheer necessity since he was 10 days old. My Sister-in-Law on the other hand is a stay at home mom that refuses to let me forget that she "would never spend so much time away from her children", "want more for her children than a tired mom", and that "children are only young once". I also get the periodic "working women are selfish" speech and the "anyone can survive on one income if they try hard enough" speech.
She stays home with her children, fine - I get the point. I am glad for her that she is able to survive on one income. I am not. What my sister-in-law fails to realize is that she made a choice to end her career for now. Most women do not have a choice. Most women have to choose between being able to provide for their child and staying home. I have no problem with stay at home moms, I think they should be applauded because it is one of the hardest jobs in life. What I have a problem with are the stay at home moms that bash working mothers and don't bother to realize that there is more than one way to raise a child. The constant criticism is even harder when it comes from a family member.
Even though I am a new mother, I also am tired of the constant debate and backlash mothers get no matter what choice they make or what their circumstance are. Work, stay at home, just do what is right for your family and don't look back.
Just my humble opinion,
D
I didn't see the Dr. Phil show, but I checked out the link on his website. This issue also came up on a group that I am on this week and it is indeed a hot topic.
I think that from what I read about the show, these women aren't a majority, but they're not a minority either. It's just a passionate topic, much like the breastfeeding/not breastfeeding or homeschool/public school issues.
I am a woman who works outside my home. I have two small children (ages 5 and 2.5) and a husband who is a full-time chiropractic student. My job supports us so he can go to school. Our goal is that once he is through with school and in a practice, I won't have to work anymore. I firmly believe that the most important work we do is to raise our families. There is nothing in this world that can replace that.
I have NEVER worked with someone who didn't care about or value her children. I have worked with many women over the past 15 years. Some are "career" women. Others are women who just work to make ends meet. But, ALL have cared about their children, and have made sacrifices, both in the workplace and out, for their families.
I know many SAHM's through my church (which, by the way, encourages mothers to stay home), my family and through my son's school. I have NEVER had someone tell me that what I was doing was wrong, or that I didn't care about my children. Perhaps I am just fortunate to be associated with kind people. Or perhaps while they don't agree with the decision that we have made, for me to continue working right now, they certainly aren't rude enough to put me down. The women that I have gotten to know through my son's school are wonderful women who have gone out of their way to make me feel welcome. One of them made sure that she took a picture of my son when the class went to the pumpkin patch. I didn't ask her to do it, she just knew that I had wanted to go, and couldn't. These women have gone out of their way to compliment me about what my son is like in class when they help in the classroom. We should be encouraging and helping each other, not bringing each other down. The SAHM's that I know from church are also good women. Rather than ostracize me, several have offered to pick up my son, if there is a day when I can't get to the school on time. That means a lot to me.
I think that the most important thing to remember is that there isn't only one right way to raise a family. You do have to do what's right for you, and it might not be right for someone else. What I really think is so sad is that the issue really pits women against each other. There is so much judgement and criticism involved. And these women can't see that the other is doing what she feels is the best for her family. Even though I didn't see the show, I really think that it was aimed at fanning the flames of this issue.
We each do what works for our families and if we can't do what we want, we need to make the situation work for us the best we can. That's the bottom line. Our decisions are our own and if there are any consequences to be paid, because of them, then they are ours to pay.
First and foremost, we're all mothers. Like I said earlier, we as women should be encouraging and helping each other, not bringing each other down. When it comes right down to it, all we want is what is best for our families.
H
I do think we've come a long way from 10 years ago. I think women are more open-minded for the most part. I also see a lot more "blending" of the two choices -- working from home, working part time, etc., which I find very encouraging. I know very few women (in fact I can think of only 2 or 3) who are stay at home moms who don't do some type of work -- a direct sales business, babysitting, some free-lance, etc. It's so rare to be able to live on one salary these days.
I also think the reason for some women being so vocal and oppressive about their opinions is that they are insecure in their own choices. No more does society say "good for you for staying home" or "good for you for working" -- there's guilt no matter what you do, and I think many women are trying to justify their choices.
S
Yes, I am sick of this debate. I am tired of women degrading one another in an attempt to prove to themselves that the choice they made is the right one.
Let's look at the real problem. It isn't that women who chose to be stay at home moms believe that all women should stay at home or that all moms who work believe every other mom should join them. The real problem here is that there is no RIGHT choice. This, of course, is my personal opinion. An opinion I have had much reason to form lately.
I am a mother of three beautiful daughters. One of which is just a baby. Upon the birth of my newest child, I strongly contemplated NOT returning to work. I mean, how could I possibly imagine leaving my beautiful, delicate child in the hands of another person? How could I allow my oldest daughter who has just started junior high to come home to an empty house? How could I send my five year old to kindergarten each day in a vehicle driven by the 'day care lady'? I want to be there. I want to be there each day when school begins and ends. I want to nurse my baby throughout the day - not have her bottle fed by the hands of a stranger. I want to volunteer at the schools and attend each and every PTA meeting all the while baking cookies for the next fundraiser! Oh, with all my heart I want to be the person that my girls spend the majority of their time with.
But... the real stressor here is that other part of me. The part of me that wants to be successful in the business world. The part of me that wants to use all the skills I worked so hard to attain during all those years of working in less than desirable positions. And let's not forget about that part of me that wants to provide for my family a lifestyle which permits them to have clothes that fit, a home with food in the cupboards and visits to the doctor and dentist whenever necessary. Yes, my husband works and earns a nice living but I can not help but wonder, "What would I do if something happened to him?" Or, what would happen if he lost his job?
So, there I was, returning to work when my baby was three months old. Leaving her in the hands of a person other than her mother and on the first day of junior high, my daughter turned the key and entered an empty house. However, I was fortunate enough to be able to take my kindergartner to her first day of school.
Yes, my heart breaks when I think of my friend who has lunch with her son once a week at school and volunteers in the classroom. I long for that involvement. Speaking of that friend who stays at home, she aches to be in the office. She loves being at home, just like I love to be at the office on those days when I have pushed myself to the limit and seen myself complete a project I never thought possible.
No matter if you have chosen to stay home or go back to work, we all have that one thing in common - the thing that should bind us the most - we are Mothers. We need each other. Stop allowing society to put us in opposite corners. Let us come together and support each other in any way we can.
So, I have come to believe that there is no right choice. I believe that there will be times when I wish I would have made the 'other' choice just as my friend does. I sometimes feel guilty for making the choice I have but who is to say what is right for EVERY family? I believe that as long as I give my all to my children when we are together and make sure that they are well cared for in my absence, I am doing alright. I respect and admire mothers who have chosen to stay at home. I also respect women who have made that choice to return to work. Neither choice is easy.
A
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